Blogger of the week - Naplan by Nicholas

What a fantastic read! Well done Nick!

Naplan by Nicholas.

The drive to the prison which they call ‘school’ is a long one; as you go down the long dusty road all you can see are children who all look the same wearing green uniforms, holding text book, with chains around their ankles. You ask yourself, ‘Why would they take me here?’.  

As you get out of the car you see the big black Iron Gate [actually it is aluminium but iron sounds more dramatic]. You start to walk into the assigned area for you and then you notice everyone looks sad or happy, no in between, all sad or happy so you walk up to your friends and then they start to talk about something but when there about to say it you zone out and you think about what you had for lunch, a new movie you want to see and by the time you come back they have finished what they were saying and you just say ‘I couldn’t agree more’.

By the time the bell rang everyone was sighing and groaning but you still don’t know why. At the morning assembly during the announcements you get distracted by a butterfly flying majestically and you watch as it goes from flower to flower then it goes away and the teacher says ‘Let’s pray’. During one part of the praying session you sneeze and you miss like 5 seconds because of it.

After that you go to class, the dingy classroom smelt of pencil sharpening’s and old book you sit at your desk taking no notice of where it is. As they call out the roll out you wonder why the desks like they are, they aren’t normally in rows and separated, and then it hits you like you have just been tackled by a really big American football player that’s right an American football player, it’s like you’ve just been slapped with a pork chop right across the face its….Naplan..lan..lan.._lan..lan. You can’t believe you have forgotten about it because you were meant to study but you never did because let’s face it, who does? You start to panic and your mind goes into over drive and you start to sweat and breathe heavily, your heart rate escalates and now you’re drinking mountain dew and who knows where that came from but with the unnecessary amounts of caffeine and sugar it starts to cause the breakfast burrito you had earlier and the Mc Rib for dinner which is usually a safe mixture is now being mixed with the mountain dew and it is now causing a chemical reaction. As the gasses from your stomach start to move through your system the teacher calls out your name ‘insert name here’ and just as you say here the gasses in your system become poisonousness and shot out your rectum and into the person’s nose who is sitting next to you. Then the worst thing that can happen happens…

“Dude! Did you fart?” 

“Um, um no it was one of the sheep outside”

“Then why does it smell”

“The walls are thin”

You feel relived the kid next to you isn’t that bright and buys it, returning to his work. You start to relax, your heart rate decreases and you now have a clean colon.

“Today we are doing English” says the teacher

Your head virtually explodes because of the pressure one reason for this was because of the test or the other reason is the kid in front of you is trying to blow up your head with his mind. You can hear your mind go I can’t take this anymore….a few seconds later BANG! ....what a mess I mean he was talking about it but I didn’t think he would actually do it.

As the teacher hands out the test and the pencils she starts to tell you and the rest of the class the rules.

“Blah blah must blah blah 2B pencil blah blah. Begin.”

You look at the multiple choice answers and then the question and say,

“I know!”

You start to right A, B, A, B, B, A, C, over and over again until you come across a question were you have to write it so you write 1, 2, 3, 4 which doesn’t make sense so instead you put down A, C, D, C and you think that looks right so you continue.

It has now been 40 minutes and the teacher says, ‘Stop!’.

A girl in the front row starts to scream, “WHY, WHY AWWWWWWW” she runs out of the room and onto the oval yelling ‘ferries berries pixie dust and ice cream I like these things because they don’t taste like mountain dew’ and then ‘it’s a small world after all’ and then ‘hop along my friends, up the Withywindle! Tom’s going on ahead candles for the kindle”. You think “Nice she knows the song that Tom Bambadill in The lord of the rings sings”.

After a day of many break downs and cans of Mountain Dew, you hear the music, the sweet, sweet music that signals the end of the day. You start to walk down to the bus stop and you feel free, until you step in dog poo. Nice.

To be honest Naplan isn’t that bad but if I had written this the way it really happened you wouldn’t be reading it and it would be as boring as Mountain Dew is. Gross.

No animals or noses were harmed in the making of this paper but there were some paper cuts.